Here I am sitting on a toilet seat swiping through my gallery. I find myself staring at a picture of the sun set. I can’t help but wonder how you paint the sky!? It is so beautiful. I swipe left and nineteen year old me appears. She is smiling with her head plaited with cornrows tilted to the right a bit. A habit I haven’t outgrown. She is in her white shirt tucked into a navy blue pleated skirt. She has her tie neatly in place and a blazer over that. She’s wearing white ankle socks and black school shoes. Clean. I can tell she didn’t know what to do with her hands from the way she is standing. She is standing in front of a brown brick building. The science laboratories block, if my memory serves me right. She looks beautiful. She looks at peace. She looks content. I press the power button and put my phone in the pocket of my hoodie. I flush the toilet and quickly walk out trying by all means to avoid any questioning stares. You know the what were you doing for that long kind.
My mind won’t let me be. It keeps taking me back to that picture. I keep asking myself who is this stranger? Who is this woman living in my body? I wonder what happened along the way. Where did I lose the plot? How did I become the villain in my own story? How did I miss the road signs along the way? Danger? Stop? Slow down? Humps ahead?
See the girl in the picture was so eager to please you. She was found in your house day and night. The girl in the picture had a real prayer life and an honest relationship with you. The girl in the picture had big dreams. She knew she had it in her to take on the world and nothing could ever stop her. The girl in the picture was after nothing but excellence. The girl in the picture tried to keep herself pure in every way. The girl in the picture wasn’t angry at the world for being so cruel. She trusted in you and your timing wholeheartedly.
The girl in the picture loved aggressively. She had faith in people. The girl in the picture was particular about what she watched, listened to, spoke or who she kept close. The girl in the picture minded her business and worked on bettering herself. Heavily. The girl in the picture was kind and humble. Eager to help wherever and however she could.
The girl in the picture surrendered her all to You in worship. Understanding that there is none like You. Understanding that there is no her without You. Understanding that You order her steps. Understanding that plans made without being committed to You do not come to fruition. Understanding that as You hold the host of the sky in place, You do the same with her own life. Understanding that You take care of the sparrow and clothe the lilies and will do so much more for her. Understanding that all she has to do is seek the Your kingdom and it’s righteousness. Understanding her sole purpose is to fear You and to keep Your commandments. The girl in the picture makes me loathe the woman writing this.
Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love. Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent.
Revelation 2:4-5
Dear Lord
I’ve been used. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve been proud. I’ve disobeyed. I’ve lied. I’ve been through it all. The ups and downs of life. I’ve sinned and fallen short of your glory. I pray You help me return to my first love. I pray that You help me to walk worthy of You, fully pleasing You, being fruitful on every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. May I be sincere and without blame till the day of Christ. I pray that you use me to grow the kingdom. May I not look back. May I not look at the waves. Help me to look unto You always the author and perfector of my faith. In Jesus’s name I pray,
Owakho, ofisa to turn back the hands of time
uLwandle