A movie review: Luckiest girl alive

Let’s start with an English lesson, shall we?

Thriller

~Noun

1. A suspenseful, sensational genre of story, book, play or film.

Say it after me. Slowly. Thriller. Now say it with me. Louder. Thriller. Say it like you have experienced a suspenseful and sensational moment. Thriller. Perfect.

The first thing I need you to understand is that, with each turn of a page of Jessica Kroll’s book, the pit in my stomach grew deeper. The scenes brought to life with her pen, had me glued to the screen anticipating. Revenge? Murder? Relief? A happily ever after? I’ll give it a nine out of ten. Only because my favourite character, Arthur got stabbed on the throat, trying to stand up for a cause. He was silenced by the very person whose interests he had at heart. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? The second thing I need you to understand is that Mila Kunis embodied the role of Ani. She completely ate. Anyway, there’s a scene where she says, “My anger is like carbon monoxide. It’s odourless. Tasteless. Colourless. And completely toxic. But only to me. See I don’t take my anger out on anyone, other than my fucking self.”

I felt that.

Is it that I don’t love myself? No. It is because I believe I can do better. It is because I don’t get why I find myself in some situations. With some people. It is because pull up your socks sisi, you’re letting us down. It is because I believe some are whispering and laughing behind my back. It is because I can’t afford to mess up. No one, literally no one will bail me out. It is because I wanted so much to be something I’m not. It is because I wanted to have what I can’t have.

It is because I knew. I always know better. It is because how the hell did I get here? It is because you thought you were smarter and I let you believe it. It is because you looked into my eyes and lied to me and I let you. It is because I couldn’t say no. It is because I let you have your way with me and I lay there like the coward that I am. It is because I let you talk down at me. It is because you held me at your mercy. Donkey. Carrot.

It is because I believed your lies. The facade you put up. It is because I let you toy with my feelings. Popeyesm. It is because I let you walk all over me with your ugly toes in dirty shoes. It is because I let the disrespect go on for so long. It is because I saw what I wanted to see. It is because I put the stupid blinkers firmly in place. It is because there’s always something. What does a girl have to do to get a break. It is because so much is required from me. It is because I give and get nothing back. Zero. It is because I feel like I am running around in circles. Going nowhere. Fast. It is because I couldn’t stand up for myself.

It is because why the hell am I so angry? Why do I kick myself when I am already down? Why do I slap myself. So hard? Why do I spit on myself and turn my back on me? Why do I push, shove and pull? A collection of inswazi. Different lengths. Textures. To use on my own back. Why do I despise myself? Why don’t I give myself the same grace I freely give to others?

There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.

Romans 8:1

Dear Lord

I keep on reminding myself of my shortcomings. I find myself caught up in the whirlwind of guilt. Tossed to and from because of emotions. I pray that you work on my character. Help me be. Slow to talk. Quick to listen. Slow to anger. Not only to everybody else. But to me as well. Help me give myself grace. Softness. Kindness. Forgiveness. For I believe there is no condemnation to us who are in you. Thank you for a chance to start over whenever I need it. I know no greater. Gentler. True love.

Owakho othandekayo

uLwandle