Hi hunnay
Moments leading up to this moment. Have passed by swiftly. Fleeting. Some have been unending. Demanding to be felt. Fully. Demanding to be embraced. Warmly. Demanding to be lived. Truly. Some. I wished to escape. Some. I wished to live in. Again and again. And again. Moments all leading to this moment. Where we wave good bye to another dance around the sun.
Insert journal entry one: Damn. My head is all over the place. It’s not cute. Like seriously all over the place. From bad scary dreams to depressing interpretations to me just feeling down and under. I literally don’t know what to do with myself. Angazi where to from here. I hate it here. I do.
Iphupho. A series of thoughts, images and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep. A curse. A blessing. More of a curse. Cryptic dreams. Bone-chilling dreams. Whose weight I had to carry into all of my tomorrows. I prayed hard for them to stop. But they just wouldn’t. Depression took over like a whirlwind that stirs the soul. Sweeping away everything in its path. I showed up every single day. Only to come back home. Curl up in my blankets and wish God would just call me home. Paul saying to die is gain had a whole new meaning to me. A depth I did not know was possible. The words came alive.
Perspectives altered. Perspectives redefined. Moments.
Insert journal entry two: I’ve showed you so many pieces of me. Delicate. Deep. Intense. I’d like to keep this one to myself a little bit longer.
I had to grieve the man and woman I thought my parents were. The man and woman I wished my parents could have been. Noone ever talks about the pain of grieving the living. Noone ever talks about how to honour your father and mother as a wounded adult. Noone talks about the denial. The anger you direct mostly at yourself. The bargaining and trying to numb the pain. The spirals of palpable depression. I had to learn to come to terms with that they are two flawed human beings doing their best in a cold world. I had to remind myself that four voices were speaking to Jesus about Lazarus in the event of his passing. The voice of need. The voice of emotion. The voice of expectation. The voice of the Father. I was listening to all the first three. Loud and gripping. I learnt to listen to the Father always. No matter how challenging or overwhelming.
I forgave. I accepted. Life goes on. Moments.
Insert journal entry three: I have been thinking deeply about how much I thought I am ready for a relationship. To start my own little family. I am thinking what are the odds that I won’t bleed on them? What are the odds that I won’t pass on my emotional traumas onto my kids? What are the odds that I won’t give my own children anxiety? What are the odds I will be the best parent and partner? I should probably remove my mind off you. Kinda hard. But it can be done. Do I want to let go? Maybe not. Infatuation? Maybe. Afraid of what might and might not happen? Yes. Definitely. Afraid of being disappointed? Yes. Definitely. Will you disappoint me? Maybe. Any harm trying? No.
We didn’t try. Feelings caught. Feelings hurt. Trust issues are on an all time high. Moments.
Insert journal entry four: I feel numb today. I think I am trying to keep myself from spiralling out of control? I think I am trying hard to keep it all together. But hey. I feel it slipping through my fingers. I hate that I can’t take care of my family the way I want to. I hate that I can’t do the smallest of things to make their lives a little more comfortable. I hate that I can’t help the way I want to. I really wish I could do more and it really kills me inside.
I am an ambitious woman. Circumstances beyond my control have kept me in one place for a long time now. To say it has been frustrating would be an understatement. Moments.
Insert journal entry five: Lord. Please tell me which way I should go and tell me what to do! Is the life I’m living to your glory?
I cannot pinpoint to the moment I stopped looking within. I stopped looking at the waves. I stopped thinking the cloud is too small to be a rain cloud. I stopped the craze in my head. And looked unto Jesus. To hold my hand and direct my path. There is no sweeter feeling. Than to know you are loved beyond measure. The joy of the Lord is my strength. Moments.
“Pray that the Lord your God will tell us where we should go and what we should do.” ~Jeremiah 42:3
I hope you’ll take a step back. Know that you are not alone. And hopefully make the moments leading to the next year count. I hope you let Jesus be the centre of all the moments you live. Every single one of them. I am still learning to. I must say, it is worth it.
Keep well. Uthandwa yimi!
Owakho
uLwandle