Note. In these intimate diary ink sessions. You will find hushed secrets. Unconventional viewpoints. Weird dreams. Raw feelings. Misspelt words. Whatever it is. Let’s leave it here and never speak of it again. Insert winking emoticon.
Dear diary
I feel like I have been on the riverbank watching some people walk in water up to their ankles. Some up to their knees. Some up to their waist. Some swim in it. Some walk on it. I have watched life flourish wherever this water flows. Yet I remain dead in the inside.
I grew up in the Church. I was good with mastering scripture. I can’t say the same about obeying it. I can’t say the same about understanding it. I did not understand the love of God. I did not understand the finished work of the cross. I did not understand what it is to seek first the Kingdom of God. If Jesus had returned yesterday, He would have found my lamp without oil. A reality so painful to imagine.
Growing up. I sought validation from my grades. After I left school, I did not know who I was in this world. I did not know where I fit in. I did not know what to do with myself. I then sought validation from friends. Trying so hard to fit in. Trying so hard to be accepted. Trying so hard to ‘live a little’ and stop being boring. I then sought validation from men. Whenever a relationship ended, I did not know who I was outside of them. I did not understand why they did not pick me. I wanted them to pick me. Because I am a ‘good’ person. It has been a crippling cycle. Which I understand now had a lot to do with seeking. Seeking for the right thing from the wrong places. Wrong people. Wrong things.
I need you to understand that in all this, I identified as a ‘Christian’ yet my life showed little to nothing of being Christ like. I feel like the average believer is led to repent and is not fully taught the Kingdom principles after. I am not pointing any fingers because we are expected to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling. I feel like the average believer is taught the vanilla gospel. Given milk their whole lives. The number of things I am only learning now break my heart. The way they would have changed the trajectory of my spiritual life? The lost time doing meaningless things that I will never get back? I feel like the average believer has not worked on their heart. They are deceitful. As hard as stone. Unwilling to let the word take root and bear fruit. I feel like the average believer does not have an accountability partner who reminds them time and again that there is a way that seems right to men but at the end leads to destruction. I feel like the average believer is comfortable with being lukewarm. I was watching Nat Geo the other day. Side note. Whoever it is that does the narration has a dreamy voice. Lions will study a group of animals and target the weakest one. Little to say the devil does the same. Sin gives him a gateway. That sin that you think doesn’t matter will have him having you for brunch.
I pray that the Father of glory many give to use the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him. That the eyes of our understanding may be enlightened and we may know what is the hope of His calling. That we may be sincere and without blame till the day of Christ. Being filled with the fruits of righteousness which are by Jesus Christ to the glory and praise of God.
It’s a sermon on its own