Uhmm, mad

Dear Lord

I don’t remember ever being this mad in my short life. Matter of fact. I have never been this mad in my short life. I have been unable to bring myself to kneel down and pray. I am mad for feeling stuck. Stagnant. Not moving forward. Not moving upward. Not having super powers to change it. Because I am so imperfect I want to blame someone for it. Africa the mother of mankind maybe. I am mad at her for lagging so far behind in terms of development. I am mad at having been kissed by the sun. Maybe just maybe. If I didn’t have this brown skin. This melanin. Life would be a grand gongo. But then we are all dust. All mortal. All equal. So whatever. I am mad at the men who look at women. Beautiful. Strong. Intelligent women. But only see punching bags. They forget women cannot take repeated and constant physical abuse without breaking. But they choose to crush them. Body. Soul. And spirit.

Whatever happened to protecting your own? I am mad at women who sleep around with married men. Reason being. Number one. They can. Number two. They can. Number three. They can. Lord, they disgust me. Whatever happened to ukuzihlonipha? I am mad at the government. Why are thousands of youths graduating year after year when there are no job opportunities. Ending up in the streets. Selling tomatoes. Selling their bodies. Selling money. Selling airtime. I have time. I am mad. I could go on. I am so mad at these kids who roll their eyes. Bang doors. Spit venom whenever they talk to their elders. Whatever happened to inhlonipho? To ukusigoqa sisemanzi?

I am so mad at the system. The rich. The five percent are growing powerful. The poor are well, poor. Whatever happened to ubuntu? Being your brother’s keeper? I am so mad at Corona virus for putting the world on pause. No motion. Literally. Taking millions of lives. Being the captain of our sinking finances. Sinking plans. Steering us into the deep when we cannot swim. I am so mad at the censored media. Feeding us half truths. Painting pictures of blue skys. When the storms are raging. Roaring around us. I am so mad at the rain. I stood under the showers for a whole ten minutes. Thinking it will put out the fire in my bones. The craze in my head. The fists rolled tight by my sides. But here I am. Still. A ball of firecrackers.

Anger is a wind which blows out the lamp of the mind.

~Robert Green Ingersoll

Lord, you say we are not to let the sun go down in our anger. I honestly don’t know how to. How to calm down. How to let it go. When I feel like you have just been watching and doing nothing about everything. I have been so afraid to lay my petitions to you in fear of disappointment. That tomorrow I will wake up and have another reason to walk through life tsk-ing. Mad. Big mad. I have been so afraid to put my faith in You. Afraid to see all I’ve prayed for. Hoped for. Dreamed of crumble like a house of cards in front of me. I have simply been taking all the blows lying down. Cussing. Mad. Big mad.

It’s funny how I think and feel like you’re so quiet. Doing nothing. Watching our worlds fall apart. Our hearts get broken. Our dreams turned into smoke. Our families being torn apart. Our certificates gathering dust in old wooden shelves. Our neighbours starving to death. Our children dropping out of school. Our men dying of depression. Yes I am mad. But. I am reminded that even if it feels like You are doing nothing You’re actually at work. That all things are working together for my good. Because You’re a faithful God. A promise keeper. I will continue to trust. To wait on You. Through the waters that I feel like are drowning me. Through the fire that I feel like is charring me. Slowly. Through the valley of the shadow of death that I feel like is casting darkness all over. A darkness so thick it leaves me so afraid. I know that You have a greater plan. To give me a good ending. For I know that wethembekile wena othembisileyo. Teach me ukucatsha njalo kuwe dwala lami laphakade. To let go of what is around and focus on heavenly things where Christ is seated on your right hand. To cast all that bothers and burdens me. Like all this anger. To You. Because You care for me, in Jesus’s name I pray,

Owakho

Lwandle