Dear diary
I sat cross legged on the couch. Scanning the room with my eyes for the nearest throw. Winter is slowly creeping in. The frosty mornings. The cold evenings. I stare blankly at the screen. The office is playing. He laughs next to me. Reminding me of his presence. I stare blankly at the man. I delicately smile at him. Sigh. And. Lean back. He has small brown eyes. That make me feel things I never thought I could feel when he looks at me. He has a chiseled jaw line. That makes me wonder how he looks like when he is angry. His hair is like gentle ripples of a tranquil lake. The waves add a touch of rugged sophistication to him.
The sirens in my head go off. I panic. The blaring signal is deafening. My stomach is in knots. Tears fill my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. “I thought I was ready,” I say softly. Will I ever be? “I thought I had healed,” I whisper to myself. Is it a destination I will ever arrive at? I thought I could still love the way I used to love. Intensely. Madly. Deeply.
Nothing like diving into the ocean and hoping you don’t drown like before. Nothing like jumping off a plane and hoping your parachute doesn’t jam like before. Nothing like walking down a path and hoping it doesn’t lead to a Jurassic Park like before. Nothing like petting a dog and hoping it doesn’t bite like before. Nothing like trusting someone with your heart when it has been shattered to pieces before. Nothing like learning how to love again. It is indeed for lack of a better word. Scary.
He pulls me closer. “You’re not here,” he says. “What are you thinking about?” he asks gently. I look at him. Still unable to read the look in his eyes. Is it concern? Is it suspicion? Is it like? Is it real? ‘He pulls me closer. “You’re not here,” he says. “What are you thinking about?” he asks gently. I look at him. Still unable to read the look in his eyes. Is it concern? Is it suspicion? Is it like? Is it real? “Nothing.” I respond softly and close my eyes. How do I say that I am scared of falling for you? How do I let myself be vulnerable like that. Again? How do I let myself enjoy this moment, cozied up in his arms. Fully?
I wish I had been taught that the worlds we read of in books and watch in the movies are just but an escape. From a savage and brutal world. A world I try so hard to tap out of as I write my little thoughts here. I wish I had been taught about the heartbreak that alters your brain chemistry. Forever and ever. I wish I had been taught how to swing a wrecking ball to tear these walls down after building them so high. Firm and solid. I wish I had been taught how to love again. Truly and passionately. Is it too late to learn? Teach me now!
I get comfortable in the gentle giant’s hands and decide before falling asleep. I can’t let the fear of the past repeating itself or the fear of the unknown slowly creep on me. Cripple me. Control me. It is time to start afresh. Maybe? Heal in Heaven. Maybe?
When you start loving someone new you laugh at the indecisiveness of love. Remember when you were sure that the last one was the one and now here you are redefining the one all over again.
Rupi Kaur
Owakho who still believes in fairytale endings. Maybe not so much for herself.
uLwandle