Disclaimer: There are no solutions offered in this piece.
Trauma. Overthinking. High potential. Bipolar. Suicidal thoughts. The aftermath of an “immoral act” followed by haunting clarity.
Being trapped inside a chaotic mind is terrifying. One day, you’re haunted by ghosts in the night. The next, you’re driving a Ferrari Roma through the streets of Monaco. One day, you’re basking in a happy relationship. The next, you’re unsure if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. One moment, confidence. The next, crippling self-doubt. One morning, you’re writing down goals for the year. That same night, you’re ready to die. One hour, excitement about the future. The next, you’re googling how to tie a noose. One second, idea after idea. Then, complete mental blankness. Emotional pain bleeds into the body, turning into something physical.
Sometimes it feels like the only way to spark motivation is to do something self-destructive first. Alcoholism thrives among men, not because they love the taste, but because the pain is unbearable sober. To escape the chaos, sometimes it seems easier to not be in your right mind at all. Add the world’s noise to the storm: Overthinking meets a daily flood of bad news. Trying to comprehend the global implications of Hamas attacking Israel. Analysis paralysis. Nothing ever reaches the “action” phase. Like the farmer who never sows, always checking the sky for rain, he reaps nothing.
And so the spiral continues. What-ifs. Global tragedies. Personal insecurities. Imagined futures. There’s a storm in the brain and no shelter in sight. But the scariest thing about a chaotic mind? It never turns off. Even in silence, it hums. Low and steady with existential dread. It echoes regrets from yesterday and fears for tomorrow. You become your own prisoner, trapped by thoughts too complex to untangle, and emotions too volatile to trust.
What makes it worse? The world doesn’t reward pain. It rewards performance. It wants your productivity. Your smile. Your filtered life. Never your truth. So you wear the mask. You laugh. You show up. Inside, you are screaming. And when you do finally speak, the world says: “Just be positive.” But positivity doesn’t work when your mind feels hijacked.
Makhosini Ayanda Mlilo
A brilliant mind with a heart for both science and the sacred. A rare blend of logic and soul. A math, physics, and chemistry wiz turned automation engineer.
❤️this resonates with me deeply
Beautiful